Insomnia

January 18, 2008 / Daily Life / 5 Comments

This is one of my rare posts about my emotions. As an ENTJ, it’s extremely difficult and exhausting even to figure out what my emotions, let alone express them. So if you comment, please keep that in mind. And if you’re not into sappy entries. Please move along to the entries below.

Lately, I haven’t been able to sleep. I’ve lost all interest in anime. I’ve lost all interest in school. I constantly wished someone was here with me. I spend most of my time playing games, manically coding my website and wasting time away with my housemates. I didn’t know why.

But now I do. I was watching one of the episodes from Gigantic Formula, a mecha anime. And I suddenly cried when the pilot of one of the enemy mechas told her mum that she broke up with her boyfriend because she couldn’t bear the fact that he would wait for her forever when she said may never come back from the war.

I am sad because I am leaving a place that holds bittersweet memories.
I am sad because I know that I may never come back.
I am sad because I will have to temporary (1 year) separate from my boyfriend before he can join me in Asia.
I am sad that I am once again without a home.
I am sad because I don’t know where the future holds.

Maybe it is fear. Either way, I can’t sleep. I spend my nights waiting for sleep to find me and ease me of my pain.

Part of me doesn’t want to leave this place. I’ve made many friends, learned many things and met the most wonder ful man of life. But it is the logical thing to do – for the sake of my career, at the expense of my heart.

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  • http://www.deportmaria.org Marz

    When we are fully aware of the things we go through as third culture kids, it hits us harder sometimes. It also doesn’t help when it’s coupled with Senior-itis.

    I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.
    *hugs*

  • http://michaelpark.net Michael

    You can mend your heart with time but not the other way around. Enjoy your youth while you can.

  • http://simply-precious.net Simply Precious

    *hugs*

    “I am sad because I don’t know where the future holds.” This is me right there…

    It’s been hard for me to sleep the past 2 weeks also… =/ And yes, it is DEFINITELY hard to leave a place where you made soo many great friends, etc! *hugs*

    I don’t know what else to say… Just hang in there, and we’ll make it through life… That’s how it always is- we have to be strong…

  • http://www.teddy-o-ted.com teddY

    Hey Ivy, I’m sorry that you’re feeling sad and down. Sometimes when I’m faced with these feelings, I usually find a secret place, listen to my favourite song and cry out loud. And sometimes I try this trick (my cousin taught me that), by telling all your unhappiness and misfortunes into a bottle of water, and pour it away. It’s just symbolistic, but it makes you feel a lot better.

    Huggs!

  • http://nanyate.com Ivy

    Thanks for everybody’s concern. I really appreciate it. :) The answer was right in front of my face the whole time. It was my bookmark, which says “believe.”

    @Marz: It takes an ATCK to know another one. Muah.
    @Michael: That’s really good advice thanks.
    @SP: Strength is always good. :)
    @Teddy: As for me, blogging is the treatment; facing the problem is the cure. :)